Over the past 2 years - the Hobart VoiceLab: Queer+Allies has sparked an amazing series of surprising revelations and created beautiful connections within our local community.
From its inception the VoiceLab was controversial because we didn't want to sing words using sheet music or perform for an audience. The notion that a group of people would meet and sing together just for fun and the joy of singing was considered pure heresy within the local music community. But Hugo, Richard and I were searching for something 'Queer' and 'authentic'. We were excited about the process and operating in the 'unknown'. Because of my creative research practice I was used to a practice-led approach, but I was unprepared for the impact this project would have on how I relate to my body and everything else in my life. Unfortunately Hugo had to leave in 2023 even though we had funding for 10 more sessions.
We have just completed the final sessions of VoiceLab with Bec Tilley, an exciting local Voice Coach who was interested in working with the Queer community. Her approach was very different to Hugo's because she did not conduct our polyphonies. Instead she gave us different approaches to working with our voices and provided a 'colour' palette of 'sounds' for us to experiment with during the polyphonies, ie. 'guide on the side' coach approach instead of 'sage on the stage' artist approach.
Personal experimentation during the polyphonies was important to me. While we searched for a conductor to help us with the last 5 sessions, Richard and I visited different choirs in Hobart and I struggled to hear myself in these white, cis, NT, heterosexual groups who sang mostly stiff, christian hymns from sheet music. One conductor in particular blamed me whenever the altos misbehaved because I was the only PoC in the group which felt unfair because apart from being racist, as an Autistic person its almost impossible for me to misbehave in this kind of situation. I even had to flee some of their aggressive christmas caroling last year because my body had such a strong reaction to their values.
Within the VoiceLab I feel free to be myself because it is a safe Queer space and now that I had surveyed the local group singing 'scene' - it was clear to me that these sessions were going to be the last opportunity for me to express my 'authentic' voice/self, ie. now or never!
Before the final 5 VoiceLab sessions began I'd been struggling with sinusitis for months. During the first polyphony I discovered a part of my throat which must have been cleared when I resolved the sinusitis. This was a huge revelation for me because I had finally discovered my Queer authentic voice!
As someone who has masked their entire life to survive in a world that was not created for them, I had often wondered if there was anything - that was authentically 'me' in that 'unknown' void. During my time with Hugo my voice did emerge but it was unreliable and I couldn't 'feel' or locate it in my body (ie. interoception.) Hugo was incredibly kind and patient with me, and employed so many different techniques from his years of experience to draw my voice out. In my mind I finally developed a method of making sound which involved directing 'air' from my lungs onto the roof of my mouth (palate) and created different notes based on the angle the air hit and reflected off my palate. There was a particular quality to the vibration in my jaw and ear canals when the note was 'correct' and this was my guide to singing. I relied on Hugo to tell me what was 'correct' because I was unable to 'feel' it as being 'correct.' 'Correct' was a 'remembered' sensation which is very different to a 'known' or 'felt' sensation. For example, I am dyslexic so I can not 'feel' the directions - left and right. I'm in my 50s and I still have to look at my hands to 'remember' which direction conforms to these words. These 'remembered' bodily sensations can not find a permanent 'residence' of 'knowing' in my body and therefore I have to find methods to 'remind' myself how to conform to 'correct' standards. I sometimes refer to this as my 'Self-doubt house of cards,' ie. because I have a history of failure/trauma with these experiences during my life, I am unable to integrate this information into my 'knowing' body.
For 'The Yearning' exhibition I pondered these concepts while I spent hours studying videos of vocal folds to create the motion design of the artwork.
As a life-long masker - when I used the 'remembered' approach I was able to sing in any range, ie. low, middle, high - but I would often strain my voice and was easily drawn into other people's voices because boundaries are a struggle for maskers, ie. sovereignty is the opposite of masking, passing etc
Because of the recently 'discovered' part of my throat, I no longer sing using my palate. Instead - sound now magically emanates from this part of my throat. I can now 'feel' my voice at all times and it is an absolute joy to experience this vibration in my body, to be able to rely on it because I 'know' its address. This is a scary thing for me to say but it 'feels' like my voice now has a place to call 'home' in my fabulous Queer body! I can still sing in any range but now it sounds like me and I can hear myself because I now 'know' what I sound like for the first time in my life - without relying on anyone to validate me. This gives me agency and helps me to stay safe because I'm not 'straining' or harming myself to participate.
Thank you so much to everyone who has been on this crazy ride with me. None of this would have been possible without you :D
